“whats in this, shouldn’t really have that, what’s the fat content, so how much more could I have, if i keep it below a 1000.” Calories is the only form of maths that I can do...constant adding and doing long division before I have put anything in my mouth...and then I think it would be just easier to not put anything in there at all, just let my stomach growl, ignore its taunts and tempts for it to be filled. Just silence it out with activity and that constant voice in my head listing all dreaded outcomes if I am persuaded my any morsel.
I am just not happy with whatever am offered, if I am complimented with the “your fine” and “there’s not a pick on you” their praise is wasted because that self doubt is more stubborn than I. If some one sympathizes and offers help to exercise and fight the battle against the calories, taunting mirrors and scales; I still don’t feel the lift of encouragement within myself. All I think of is failure. And I don’t understand why! Why cant I be happy with what I am offered, why cant I just get up and charge with courage into pelting routine of exercises to tone and slaughter the fat and flab that suffocates me. Why do I feel that am trapped, that am a woman possessed…that this feeling of inadequately has seeped into my personality, grown and nest and will spawn across me.
I fear that no matter what I do now I will always feel that am not good enough and that even if I try to stand up to this bully of a voice, pressurising me with self doubt. I am always going to be defeated, raise a white flag and surrender to it. But nothing is over until its over
Isn't it a shame that its so much harder to write things fluently when you really happy, opposed to when your down. Like I have mentioned before writing is such a brilliant way to express your feelings and cast a sense of relief getting things off your chest, and some of the best writing in the world comes from people's down falls or their lowest moments....but
I would love to read more about the joy, excitement, their hopes dreams and their love! It shows that the world still has a softer edge and even all the horrible shit that goes on in this world, their is always a place to find out happiness and our nirvana. So am starting a revolution! Happy Blogging and tell you the things that are making me happy at the moment.
So I mentioned a while ago I was having a sort of crisis, me and one of my best friends finally told each other how we feel and I was unsure on whether I should risk our friendship for something more....and I did! I stopped listening to my head and followed my heart head first into oblivion! And you know what its the best decision I have ever made!
Everything that I feared would happen is none existent, it was all stupid complications I was constructing to make the situation harder than what it needed to be. Everything is so perfect in the strangest of ways! Its not like whats in the movies; that monotonous narrative were everything is so perfect. Its completely "un-perfect" in a way, our friendship hasn't changed in the slightest, we still call each other names, beat the crap out of each other and basically chat alot of shit to be fair. But underneath all that is LOVE.
I became totally cynical of the feeling, I was adamant you were never truly in love you just learn to "love" things about people. Now I am happily vulnerable with no guard up....head over heels in love! Its the best feeling in the world, because its something totally unique to anything I have had with anyone else. Its selfless! I would do anything for him because he makes me blissful!
See this is why its so hard to write when you are happy...
I cant think of words that come close to how am feeling within myself, or feelings I have for him. And then if you do find words they seem inadequate to this incredible emotion you have, how do you do it? Maybe it will get easier in time when I get older and wiser. But for now I can only stick with what I know. I am in Love and making a pit stop in my nirvana.
I have discovered that there is never any excuse to be bored, theres always an oppurtunity to make your own fun and its easier to do so with the company you keep. I had a really nice day yesterday with Tom and being honest we didn't actually do anything lol. It was a long lazy day in the sunshine which is always brilliant.
Get to Toms
Get my hug that I have been looking forward to ALOT
BACON BUTTY TIME
Scrubs (power nap)
KFC Always good
Beverage in Kates back garden???
Post a vox
After the day agenda we decided to head back to my house and have a beverage in my back garden and take advantage of the glorious weather....and something so simple as a train journey to dull old Maghull couldn't be more random so what better thing to do than take some photos!!!!!!!!!!!
Carlsberg and cadburys! A recipe for Good Time anyway this is where our story begins children! We got on the train ready for summer drinking!!
We did take a moment to be responsible and consider the politics of our society, remember its YOUR VOTE so use it wisely!!!
Heres something you don't see often and the reason for this journey! Glorious Sunshine hovering over the Pool! But ya burnt my arm you bastard!! (do it to the other and your back in the good books)
On to the Ormskirk train and we are in business!! Tom looking rather fab for a randomly taken photo!
Yeh so that fucked up the plan! 14 minutes more minutes until back garden antics!
Back on the train to Central to waste some of them 14 mins, we seen a finger couple they were so cute!! its nice to see a couple not scared of public affection!
Ben and Alfie on a Boys Night Out!!
Back on the train, finally on our way!! We took some friendly advice from this poster, but I've been commando for years and I don't feel any different just breezy (ok thats a lie)
I think you should make the effort to give this a go! A day in photo form and let me know about it so I have a look =D
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Hands in the air I feel guilty writing this post but I really needed to get my frustrations down into words.
Some people are just beyond help, and sadly its in such an irritating way because I don't have the answers anymore. When people reach out to me for help or ask me for advice I wont turn away no matter who they are and I try my best to help. But its got to a point now were I no longer no what to say.
I fear that it may be my own guilt thats holding me back. Theres someone I know that is really down at the moment and things just haven't been going right for them, the thing is I feel like I play a part in how bad their feeling because I let them down last week.
Am not saying that it all revolves around me but I they haven't been the same since.
I have tried carrying on as normal, I have tried confronting them about it and take the problem head on but nothing is working. Now its just getting nasty, theres been loads of snide comments that make me feel worse and I don't know what they expect me to do! Honestly.
It will have to sort itself out because I cant try and help and be treated this way.....
Moving on from terrorist content, I just wanted to jot down some of the things I have been thinking about the last few days.
To be honest I have been feeling really confused and scared with the things that have been happening at the moment, on a brilliant note I finished my series of auditions last Monday. So I ended at The Arden Theatre in Manchester; we were asked to prepare two contrasting monologues both post 1950s. It was a really long day as Paul the head of drama worked on everyones monologue to see how we took direction. I didn't expect to do well at all because for one I was nervous! I am never nervous, but I smiled through and tried my best. At the end of the day four people were recalled for another audition, everyone else was asked to leave. Thats it its over! But me and 3 others were asked to stay a moment longer, and told we were getting offered a place there and then! I couldn't believe it, they didn't want to see anymore they just wanted us on the course. So come September I will be living in Manchester on way to learning how to become an Actor!
And that's where I get scared, don't get me wrong I am so thrilled that my talent and hard-work has been appreciated, its amazing. I just worry about what am leaving behind, I know its not far, Manchester is a stone throw away from Liverpool. But this is my roots and my home I will miss it so much. I also worry about leaving my mum, and no not in that sort of soppy sense, of course I will hate being away from her, its the thought of leaving her in this house on her own lol! My Brother is moving back out next month, and then me in September I don't know I just think she may go insane hehe. And theres my friends who I think I may miss the most, many of them are staying to study in Liverpool, or they aren't leaving for Uni at all. All I wish is that we stay in touch!! If your reading this that means you! I want yoy to stay in my life, you have all made me so happy and made me the way I am am nothing without you all=D
Of course theres a certain someone who baffles me most, I wont mention his name because he will get big headed hehe Alot has happened between us the last few days, we have known each other for so long and became really close friends, and any feelings we had for each other we suppressed because he had a girlfriend. Until know, we have told each other how we feel and it was great hearing the other felt the same.
He makes me feel really happy, I didn't expect it and I genuinely thought it would never happen. He has been there for me when I have needed him most and always makes me smile, by either pulling stupid faces, laughing at cheesy tunes on his Ipod (for the sake of being gay) or for brushing my hair away from my eyes. He knows everything about me, everything that makes me me including the flaws, and he likes me that way! Thats what makes me smile the most, I am myself and he likes it! (I hope) He is one of my best friends and am leaving, so what do I do! Do I take the chance and hope for the best or shall I wait. I just don't want to lose him, he is too important to me. The answer seems so obvious doesn't it, and I know its the fear of treading into the unknown lol I just worry. 
I will work it out, but so far things are lovely =D (when I don't think about leaving of course)
Has anyone else felt this way about someone close to them, let me know xx
You know who you are your evil!
playing with peoples feelings!
EVIL!!!
At least some people are nice and honest enough to tell you how they feel!
I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY TERRORIST ACTION!
T-E-R-R-O-R-I-S-T SEE I CAN SPELL IT YOU EVIL TWIT
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to make matters worse he just tried to throw me off my chair and kill me!
Today's entry isn't about a catch up, it isn't about this weeks philosophy it actually nothing at all about me. Its dedicated to the most important person, that I chose to be apart of my world. My BEST FRIEND RIE! She has been mentioned so many times in my previous blogs, she is my rock and savior, complete best friend and chosen sister.
She has had alot on her plate at the moment, and what frustrates me more is the miles that divide us, stupid figures of distance that stop me from running to her to give her a hug and tell her its ok. I hate it!
I just wanted to show how much she means to me and bring her lovely smile back to her face, I know I can't be up in Chesterfield with her all the time and there's nothing that upsets me more but I hope thoughts and consideration for her can be noted through this post.
This Girl means THE WORLD TO ME
HURT HER and I WILL kill You.
She is Creative, Smart, Funny, Thoughtful, Kind, AMAZINGLY TALENTED (listen to her sing!), Individual and above all else she is BEAUTIFUL inside and out. I have never met anyone like her, and we gelled so quickly.
I don't know what I would do with out her, I genuinely don't. It's hard enough with her living so far but It would be awful not having her at all!
I can turn to her for anything, even with the pettiest of problems because she makes you feel special. And I only hope I can return that feeling now.
I am ALWAYS here for you Rie, No matter what You know that. You could call me at 4 in the morning and I will be there. I know I have lost people in my family, but I don't think I miss them as much as you miss your Nana. She is always with you, and you know its true because she pops in everytime am there =D that night with me you and Dan was one such a fun night and it will be a great memory. I also know theres been alot of other things to deal with at the moment and we haven't really had the chance to talk about it much but Things will get better and as always I will try to keep you smiling.
Love Ya So much my very best friend ALWAYS
Katie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This week I have been reunited with an old love...believe it or not it was Reading. I used to love reading when I was younger and I mean novels and poetry. I fell into the habit of reading less, so I forgot my joy of it. I have just got my teeth into a new story that has been recommended to me time and time again from my best friend Rie and then again by my good friend Emily.
"Where Rainbows End". Its an absolute lovely story and I urge anyone who believes in love to read it! It tells the story of Alex and Rosie, two best friends who have know each other since they were 5 and have also shared a special bond.They don't lose contact even when all odds are against them, and over come all obstacles. Its a true representation of fate and that true love never dies. SO GO READ IT. Its was written by Cecelia Ahern the best selling author of P.S I love you.
(Brilliant Image by the way)
Am three quarters of the way through it, and I love it. It reminds me alot of my relationship with Marie, as we have still keep in very very close contact even though she has moved to the opposite end of the country, well far enough! i still speak to her everyday and we still helped each other out with all our problems and visit each other.
Other Things that have happened since the last time I posted:
The second was the Willy Russell play Stags and Hens. This is a very comic play set in a Liverpool Club in 1977; I thoroughly enjoyed it. The script was wonderful and everyone couldn't wait to find a fresh pair of ears to repeat the jokes and pass them off as their own. My personal favorite is "Well we just weren't compatible...Well am a Sagittarius aren't I and he was a Twat!" I was a little disappointed but I would Definitely see it again well done Mr Russell yet again.
Well I think I will leave it there for now there been a lot of other things I would like to post but I will save it for a new page.
I still feel like am not using my vox to its full potential! Its felt forever since the last time I posted Oh well lets get updated!
Well the good news is am alot less stressed than what I was last week which is a relief saying so, it is going to happen all over again next week as I have an audition on Friday! 3 speeches are required; one Shakesphere, one monolouge written after the 1970s and one of my choice from any published play . So am thinking
Queen Margaret (Already memorized thanks to my previous auditions)
Roxie Hart Monologue from Chicago.....So excited to do that
and not choose a third but think am going to look for something with alot of emotion to show my variety.
Sadly I didn't get a c all back for LIPA, and I was slightly disappointed but managed to stay professional about it. There was over a hundred candidates auditioning on that date alone, and we were told they audition people around the world so competition was fierce. The audition its self went well as did the workshop, so the day wasn't a lost cause. I left learning new things and with having a new experience so I feel privileged. I know it doesn't mean I am any less talented, and am not discouraged from carrying on.
This is my dream and I won't stop at nothing as long as I know I have ambition, drive and hope on my side! But just to rant a little! Out of all the people accepted on a LIPA course, the least percentage are candidates from Liverpool! Which is RIDICULOUS, the university is in OUR city, the founder is from that city! But the more students they get from other countries etc the more money the institute get. RIDICULOUS, but I know I would take a place there any day lol
But I believe if you have the ambition and integrity to chase your dream you can make it where ever you go to study, even if you learn on a street corner you have much chance as any one else!
One Last thing to think about:
Dream like you'll live forever
Live Like you'll die tomorrow!
Arghhh this is the first vox I have posted in a desperate need to rant!
I am so stressed out at the minute and am really starting to get into a panic over it. I have my LIPA audition on Sunday and it the most important thing for me, I want to be successful so badly but am not feeling very confident about my application. Every applicant excepted for an audition needs to perform a Shakespearean monologue, a devised monologue, a song and a 500 word review on live theatre.
So far I have chosen my song choice and my Shakespeare piece. I did write my 500 word but Miss Fry has suggested I should answer one of the questions LIPA has suggested so that has to be done again and I need a devised piece. That may not sound to bad but the auditions are tough and am also in the middle of my exams!
I feel like there isn't enough time to revise and rehearse enough to be confident. I tried revising for my media exam but my brain has been overloaded with information that it was almost pointless! The exam was yesterday went horrible, I wasn't pleased with anything I wrote and decided not to finish because with 10 minutes left it was a lost cause. I closed over the sheet and put me pen to rest. Mrs Schuler could see I was frustrated and she had a word with me after the exam.
But I left heavy hearted and completely fed up, and whats worse I truly believed that no matter how hard I try I won't be able to succeed in what I want and all odds were against me.
Things have got a little bit better today, I understand my Shakespeare alot more today and feel more confident in how I am performing the lines. There is now some sense of depth and actual performance rather than reciting the words. I have a little more belief in my song choice and I have sheet music so them to are sorter done and dusted.
I have a drama exam tomorrow so need as much revision as I can do tonight, drama the most important so will try my hardest. Just another thing to rant about by the way is AUDITION FEES!
They re ridiculous! £30 - £35 just to audition even if You don't get accepted. Not only are you expected to spend money travelling up and down the country to go to the bloody things, you have to pay just to show them what you can do. They will be gettin £3000 a year so I think it is slightly greedy. I know its what you have to do and I will do anything to get where I want to be, its just the worry of getting the money.
All in all, I am feeling really downhearted but I am determined to let self belief drive me through this, I know I can do it! But wish me luck please voxers! I will owe you for it xxx
Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Put your future in good hands - your own.
Only as far as I seek can I go
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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^_^ Mrs Brightside Kate said:
IN REPLY U ALWAYS DO THAT TOO SO NER NER :p read more
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^_^ Mrs Brightside Kate said:
hey Alex thanks alot for gettin in touch its great to here someone shares a common interest with me and... read more
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Alex Charles said:
Hey, I feel you. I just got home (Seattle, WA area) from my LIPA audition in Chicago. I won't hear... read more
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Bobbie said:
I am so sorry for your loss. Your uncle sounds amazing and his relationship with his wife beautiful! read more
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ITS TOMMO BTW NOT KATE read more
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